Not For The First Time
by millisa
Summary: After Angel gets his soul from the gypsies he belongs nowhere, where is his place in this world?


Not for the First Time By millisa (Isa)  
  
Rated PG-13  
  
Angelfiction, angsty.  
  
Summary: Well, ah read it.  
  
Hi, this is my first fan fiction I finished ever, so please be gentle. Oh, and English is not my first language, so be gentle. And it's not beta'd, so be extra gentle.  
  
Angel is so not mine; I have a husband so I can live with it, barely. But I can use him shamelessly for a little messing with him and feeding my obsession. I swear I give him back unharmed. So don't freak Joss, he will be free for a 5th season.  
  
I wrote this short piece only to see if anyone will read what I write. There are so many brilliant writers in this group, and even more out in the world.  
  
Thanks so much to Lorna, Rita and Katriena for your encouraging words. Without you people, I never ever would have even tried this. I thank the PTB for leading them to my group. I love you girls. And I love you hubby you rock!  
  
Feedback: isabella-millauer@chello.at  
1901 North Eastern China  
  
Darla had wanted from him to eat that baby, to kill something innocent to proof he was worthy to be a member of the fold. He had struggled with the decision, he wanted to fit in this second unnatural family again so desperately, and he didn't want to loose it like he had before, when he had been human.  
  
'It was a son I wished for, instead God gave me you'  
  
But he couldn't do it he had to disappoint her. He had given up everything, saved the child, and then left it with the British troops that had come to end the Rebellion.  
  
The events in China were the final trigger for him to realize that he had changed; he couldn't deny it much longer.  
  
He had tried to act like the monster he was feared for, a vampire, the Scourge of Europe. To convince his sire, his childe and grandchilde he had hunted again at their side. He fed solely on murderers and thieves and only when they would have died anyway, hoping Darla wouldn't recognize.  
  
While Spike killed his first slayer, he had been under the critical eyes of his sire.  
  
She had found out at last.  
  
What was he now? A man? A demon? He had spent so much time after the Gypsies had cursed him trying to find out; at least it seemed like an eternity for him. For two years, he had a soul now; he had to find out the hard way what that meant.  
  
First the experience of his lover driving him out of the only home he had known for the last 150 years, threatening to kill him with the leg of a chair. Darla clawing his face leaving bloody scratches there.  
  
They were the first scratches that marked his newly reborn soul too, telling him he lost his social rank again.  
  
'You disgust me, get out of my house'  
  
Then the need to find relief in God's shelter, what a waste of time and energy. It was a painful way to learn the Lord's rules didn't grant a damned soul any ease, because all the signs that should offer love and forgiveness brought only hurt and agony for him. Their cruel rejection only showed him how much he didn't deserve any pity.  
  
Again he was thrown out into this world that didn't want him, that he hadn't fit in when he had been human, although healthy born and living in the sun then, he was a disgrace for his family, drinking away the nights.  
  
There was no place for him in the light anymore when he had become a vampire, roaming the darkness, as a predator, using its inhabitants only for food.  
  
And now he couldn't live in either of them. He was utterly alone for the first time, stuck between darkness and light, good and evil.  
  
He couldn't escape his new existence being a demon with a soul, he was too much a coward to kill himself, greet the sun. On the other side he wasn't strong enough to live in it, what a joke was this.  
  
Why did God grant him a soul but no life? Why give him an eternity to live with a conscience and no way to redeem himself on the way?  
  
For the first time in his existence alive or dead, Liam the man, Angelus the demon, Angel the vampire with a soul wanted a purpose.  
  
END 


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